“You don’t find who you are. Instead, you create who you are.”
I’m currently sitting (tipsy) in a restaurant in Malaga, Spain; a glass of Rioja in my hand. I am just about ready to submit my Spanish Digital Nomad Visa, sitting here just hoping it will be accepted and approved. I feel like I am on the verge of becoming my new self, the woman I have always wanted to become. I feel like I’m in between the old version of myself and the new. It feels like I am standing on the edge of a precipice, and I am just about to jump off completely, leaving my old self back on the cliff behind me. It is an exhilarating feeling, but yet one that can easily be confused with anxiety. There is so much to learn and so much to accomplish. I am starting over; recreating myself as I go. I am experimenting again, trying on new versions of myself. Seeing what fits and what doesn’t. It feels so freeing to allow this for myself as I am nearing my 40’s.
It feels scary to step into the bigger parts of myself: the parts we often chose to hide as women. But at 39, I refuse to stay small anymore. I refuse to stay in places and spaces (and with people) who want to hold me to the older versions of myself. I refuse to not grow, expand, and step into a more authentic version of the woman I want to be. And who is that? One who is not longer afraid of the repercussions of speaking her mind and her truth, one who wants to be seen instead of hiding, one who wants to experience the world and all that it has to offer with no regret, one who takes ownership of her own personal autonomy and her life choices & one who is not scared of her own personal power.
Often as women, we chose not to be this version of ourselves. Due to the patriarchy, it has been our place for thousands of years to stay small and quiet. They told us: don’t be too big, don’t be too successful, don’t be too loud, don’t have an opinion, don’t be too wild, don’t dress too provocative (but also, don’t be too prude). The list goes on. Don’t be too educated, your place is in the home with the kids & in the kitchen. Don’t be too independent or too sexual, that’s not what a man would want in a wife. And if you choose not to get married or have kids, you’re going to regret it. The one I am currently mentally working through is: don’t age because the world respects you less with wrinkles on your face. Basically, everything we have been taught and told through the media and through our upbringing is: stay in your lane and for God’s sake, don’t rock the boat. If you do, you will end up lonely and miserable.
The truth of it is, some of that is true. Trust me… when you choose to not listen to these things and be who you want to be, men and women will judge you for it. Men (often but not always) cannot handle a woman who is big or secure in herself and in her sexuality. It takes a man who is very secure in himself and his sexuality to be able to partner with a woman so strong. Trust me when I also say… this is difficult to find. And if we are the type of woman who is educated and secure, we’re not just looking for a husband, we are looking for a partner. We’re looking for the man who is also willing to help cook in the kitchen and do half of his share of chores around the house. Now that women (at least in the U.S.) are more educated than men, we no longer need a bread winner. We need someone who is emotionally mature, someone who is willing to talk to us when there is a problem, even when it is hard. Someone willing to do the inner work required for true connection and intimacy. One who is good at repair, is vulnerable & has empathy to try to understand your perspective. If you’re anything like me, you won’t settle until you find it.
When men aren’t like this, they often become very insecure around a secure women. They worry we’ll see their shortcomings and leave them. When they see a women who is comfortable to express her sexuality, they often worry they’ll also be the same girl who can’t contain her sexuality. I find this to be because that same very man can’t or won’t contain his own. In my humble experience, this is when an insecure man will puff up his feathers to make him feel and look bigger, hoping then you will be intimidated and shrink. This is when those men will try to control you being too big, too loud, too outgoing, too provocative, or too successful- that implies you’ll have an escape route. They think by controlling you, by putting you in a cage, you’ll submit to being the wife & mother who just accepts her place & accepts all the ways in which he, himself, falls short. If you choose NOT to accept this, he will just leave, and find another woman who will accept this treatment; often at the cost of herself.
It is also my personal belief that if I am going to have kids, I am only going to do this with a man who is ready and willing to be a Father, not just a sperm donor. And, let me be clear, I do not mean this literally. Props to the women out there choosing to procreate on their own with the help of a sperm bank. I am talking about the men who have children without actually being ready or willing to step into the crucial role. There are many people I know who had children with a man who wanted them, yet puts work in front of family. There are many men I know who put their own selfish wants & needs in front of what is best for their children. Or, who just simply doesn’t know how to model healthy communication, vulnerability, trust, intimacy, repair, or even have the emotional capacity to deal with their own offspring. Coming from parents who were emotionally immature, I refuse to perpetuate that cycle. I refuse to have kids who wouldn’t feel seen, heard, or respected.
The new information circling the internet states that the happiest women out there is now the woman who is single without kids. In contrast to our other female parts, we have much more freedom to do what we please. This might be the reason, but more likely, it is because they are stuck in situations where they feel unseen and unheard, invisible even, in the confines of their own home. Often, they do the majority of the housework and raising their kids…all while also holding a full time job. Meanwhile, their husbands are out drinking at happy hours after work or playing a round of golf on the weekend. When do these women get their reprieve? And trust me, this needs to be figured out by both men and women moving forward because family & love is such a beautiful thing; but, we’re also just fucking sick of the inequality of it all. So there are more women out there like me, refusing to settle early in life, if at all. We accept that life can be beautiful and fulfilling, even on our own.
Women on the other hand can also be just as harsh as men when judging a strong woman, or really, any woman. We’re forced into accepting that no matter what choice we make, people are going to be judging us behind our backs (and now in the world of social media, behind a screen). “Oh God, she really let herself go.” This happens when a woman (like SJP) decided to age gracefully, refusing to buy into plastic surgery and botox. On the other hand we have those women who say, “Jesus, how much plastic surgery does she have?! Breast done, lips done, liposuction…is she even herself anymore?” An example of this in our day-in-age is Kylie Jenner. Although I personally fall more into the category of judging the woman who changes herself, I also have to see my misogynistic tendencies in saying these things. In other words, the way in which the patriarchy has even gotten into my head. All women have the right to their own personal autonomy. The right to decide if they want to botox or not or if they want to have a minor surgery to feel better. Just the same way that they should be allowed to decide the right to their own body and choices if they find themselves pregnant. It is no-ones business but your own what you decide to do to your body.
If a woman does beat the odds and love herself and step into her power, the response from other women is often, “How dare she?” How dare she love herself so much? How dare she feel so beautiful? How dare she post a selfie at the gym or in a bathing suit? It is the same when a woman decides to have an opinion, create a boundary, or stand up for her worth; often instead of being told she is strong, she is told she is being a bitch. These are the contradictions that run our lives. When you radiate authenticity by standing in your worth and in your truth, often women will feel their own absence in this area. You are the reminder that they will not allow themselves to feel this way about their own person. You are the mirror reflecting back their lack. Lack of self love. Lack of speaking up for themselves. Lack of being the version of themselves deep down they know they want to be. This can be jolting for women to realize, I know it was for me when I came to this conclusion. When we are jealous or opinionated about another woman, it is never really about that other woman; it is simply a projection of what you wish you also had inside of you.
The one word I can use to describe this overwhelming feeling women have is: conform. Conform to the way society wants you, what your family expects of you, and what your culture demands of you. But, I am here to challenge those notions…what if we chose not to? And I think a growing number of women feel this way. What if I never accept my place as the woman who is quiet and small? What if I never have kids? What if I chose to have kids late? What if I stay in a partnership for 20 years without ever getting married? What if I marry and just want to be a stay at home mother and wife? What if I am the breadwinner? What if I stop botoxing and start allowing myself to look my age? What if I choose to never get my nose smaller or make my boobs bigger like the media makes me feel like I should? What if I quit my successful job and start the creative pursuit of my dreams? What if I go back to school at 40? What if I date someone almost 10 year younger (or older) than I? Hell, what if I date someone who is the same sex? What if I never want to be anything like the culture I was brought up in? ….What if I actually start allowing myself to live the way I want to live, without worrying about external judgments or expectations? The answer I have found is, you might actually start to be happy.
We all have the right to make our own choices, the ones that make us feel the most fulfilled, free, and overjoyed. We all have the right to self autonomy, whether male or female. We all have the right to live the life we want and desire. It is just much harder said than done. What I can say is, everyday I push myself to be more of this woman, regardless of how others think or feel about my choices. I will often talk to those whose opinions I value and trust, mostly because I know their values match mine & their opinion always come from a place of love; but then, once I sit with myself, I realize what I want or feel is different. And that’s ok. As long as that feeling comes from a place deep within (what I would venture to call my heart space, or my spirit), I roll with it. I try it on for size. I see if it fits. And, I always give myself the grace and permission to back track and try again if need be.
Just recently, my dear friend (who I value so much) asked me how things were going with a man I am currently sleeping with. My response was authentic and vulnerable. I told her the truth. On the other hand, I couldn’t help but worry she was going to judge me, because I know that what I am currently doing in my dating life doesn’t sit well with everyone. So, at the end of my explanation I added, “Do you think I am crazy for continuing to pursue this (knowing all I just divulged to you)?” Her response was priceless to me and it is one I want to share here. She responded, “I think as long as you feel good in the situation you should do it! And as soon as you feel differently, you can change something about it. You don’t have to follow guidelines or rules!”
In that moment, I thanked her for validating my feelings. I have never been the girl who follows the guidelines or the rules, I am a true rebel through and through. But, what she was saying to me is: I see you, I hear you, and who you are is A-OK. I hope reading this gives you permission to be any version of yourself that your little heart desires. You have the right to your own choices and your own personal autonomy. And, take it from me- sometimes creating your own rules makes life just a little bit more fun & a little less mundane. In fact, I might argue, it’s the essence of living. SO give yourself permission to create, to try on things for size, and to modify those choices as you see fit. I give you full permission. Now I hope you go give yourself the same.